Mmm, Bears!
I want to sit down and take a moment to share with you some wonderful news. Yes, that’s right, there has been a new addition to the Ruckus household, a bouncing baby boy! Weighing in at 3.5 ounces and comprised mostly of hair and beer foam is my brand new Chicago-style mustache. Mahzeltov.
Why? As if I need a reason for something so awesome… But, for those of you who require explaination and closure in your lives I present: a short essay.
When you hear the name, “Chicago,” your head is immediately filled with several images; Wrigley Field, the Sears Tower, blues guitar, and most predominately, mustaches. In fact, there is no other style of facial hair in the world more synonymous with a city than the mustache is to Chicago. Everybody in the world - nay, the universe - can picture exactly what I mean... No, I’m not talking about a handlebar mustache, or a fu-man-choo, which, although are both awesome, lack the ability to encompass the spirit and truly inspire togetherness in a community like the Chicagoland mustache.
In case you are uninformed and have never read the National Audubon Society Field Guide to North American Moustaches, the Chicagoland mustache, or Mustacheous Chicagus, is a straight, cropped, and often bushy growth of hair that thrives in the region located between a man’s upper lip and lower nostrils. The Chicagoland mustache is most noteworthy due to its unique ability to act as a breeding ground for various odors and life forms - a distinct manifestation of the excessive Polish sausage residue and over malted beer foam often found in the area.
While the top minds in mustacheology can not agree on this fact, many theorize that these astonishing creatures are capable of forming a symbiotic relationship with their host. In this relationship, the host provides a steady supply of sauerkraut and Old Style, both of which the Chicagoland mustache needs to survive, while the mustache helps filter the host's blood - enabling him to consume massive amounts of cholesterol without suffering fatal cardiac damage. In addition, experts hypothesize that Mustacheous Chicagus' amazing empathic ability actually links it to the host's brain, increasing his ability to coach defensive football to superhuman levels.
For the above reasons, and for no reason at all, I have started growing this amazing and spectacular facial apparatus. May it’s growth and glorious brilliance act as a beacon of unity for our great city, and bring us all together in our quest for the one thing we all yearn for, Superbowl victory. May my ‘stache grow with great vigor and virility until the one and only Chicago Bears win the Superbowl. Mmmmm, Bears!
Why? As if I need a reason for something so awesome… But, for those of you who require explaination and closure in your lives I present: a short essay.
When you hear the name, “Chicago,” your head is immediately filled with several images; Wrigley Field, the Sears Tower, blues guitar, and most predominately, mustaches. In fact, there is no other style of facial hair in the world more synonymous with a city than the mustache is to Chicago. Everybody in the world - nay, the universe - can picture exactly what I mean... No, I’m not talking about a handlebar mustache, or a fu-man-choo, which, although are both awesome, lack the ability to encompass the spirit and truly inspire togetherness in a community like the Chicagoland mustache.
In case you are uninformed and have never read the National Audubon Society Field Guide to North American Moustaches, the Chicagoland mustache, or Mustacheous Chicagus, is a straight, cropped, and often bushy growth of hair that thrives in the region located between a man’s upper lip and lower nostrils. The Chicagoland mustache is most noteworthy due to its unique ability to act as a breeding ground for various odors and life forms - a distinct manifestation of the excessive Polish sausage residue and over malted beer foam often found in the area.
While the top minds in mustacheology can not agree on this fact, many theorize that these astonishing creatures are capable of forming a symbiotic relationship with their host. In this relationship, the host provides a steady supply of sauerkraut and Old Style, both of which the Chicagoland mustache needs to survive, while the mustache helps filter the host's blood - enabling him to consume massive amounts of cholesterol without suffering fatal cardiac damage. In addition, experts hypothesize that Mustacheous Chicagus' amazing empathic ability actually links it to the host's brain, increasing his ability to coach defensive football to superhuman levels.
For the above reasons, and for no reason at all, I have started growing this amazing and spectacular facial apparatus. May it’s growth and glorious brilliance act as a beacon of unity for our great city, and bring us all together in our quest for the one thing we all yearn for, Superbowl victory. May my ‘stache grow with great vigor and virility until the one and only Chicago Bears win the Superbowl. Mmmmm, Bears!
posted by Tyler at 7:18 PM
2 Comments:
Ok, how 'bout dis: Da Chicago Bears versus the assembled chior of heavenly angels. Ya know, seraphim, cherabum, da whole bunch; panelists?
Panelist 1: Angels.
Panelist 2: Angels, but it's close.
Panelist 3: Mmmm Bears.
Well if I could I'd grow a mustache myself. That was real interesting Tyler.
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