The Malort Report.
As this week heralded in temperatures of above eight degrees to the greater Chicago land area, the thick layer of frost that has kept the Ruckus Maximus production center frozen to the core has been melted, and bloggatry can once again commence for your viewing pleasure. In other words, I've ceased my recent lazy streak and have decided to assault the keyboard with a volatile barrage of alcohol, ruckus, and five syllable words. But, seriously... It's been so cold, that no good bands have came to Chicago, nor has anything interesting occurred outside of me hiding indoors with five jackets on, heating up whiskey in the microwave in a vain attempt to stay warm--certainly nothing that you want to read about! As hermitesque as that may sound, and as boring as it actually is, I do have one story for you all. Wait, let me scratch that... It's not so much a story as it is a preface to a ridiculous story that will spawn from this New Years. That's right my Las Vegian friends, this December 31st I will be introducing you all to my new alcoholic friend, Malort.
Malort is an alcohol whose corporate slogan boasts, "For Two Fisted Drinkers." I thought, "Yes... finally a liquor that understands me!" So, I decided to do some research and found out that Malort is an oppressive juggernaut that has been feared across all of Chicago for the past seven generations. I'd heard it described as, "Nail polish remover mixed with Robotussin, because nail polish remover isn't thick enough." Needless to say, I was intrigued... And once I found out that The Motel Bar, in downtown Chicago, offers shots of Malort for twenty-five cents, I decided that it was time to try out this sinister beverage for myself. By the way, Miller High Life bottles are two dollars at the Motel Bar, so, five dollars gets you two beers and four shots... Or, umm, one beer and twelve shots. Which one do I recommend? Both.
Sitting at the bar, a lone shot glass resting in front of me,I knew it was time for me to meet my destiny, and with that thought, I did my generic courage building ritual, said goodbye to my loved ones, and consumed the mythically evil shot. To be honest, when Malort first hit my tongue, I was both shocked and surprised. I mean, I went in expecting the worst; this shit is not only legendary, but only costs a quarter--not exactly a recipe for a quality beverage... But when all was said and done, I actually kind of liked it. The obvious question aroused by my findings is whether or not Malort is, in fact, "good" or if I just, in fact, have a "drinking problem."
We'll leave that answer up to you... But, as a testimonial towards how evil this breed of booze actually is, this is the only picture of it Google could find.
So, in colclusion, I look forward to this New Years' Eve, where you will all be introduced to my latest creation: The Malort and PBR Bomb. A hoppish concoction that could quite possibily leave you paralyzed with bitter-beer face for the next fifteen years of your life.
Salute!
Also, go buy the Swan Lake album, Beast Moans, and listen to nothing but it for an entire week. I did, and I feel I'm a better man because of it.
Also, also, I heart you all!
Malort is an alcohol whose corporate slogan boasts, "For Two Fisted Drinkers." I thought, "Yes... finally a liquor that understands me!" So, I decided to do some research and found out that Malort is an oppressive juggernaut that has been feared across all of Chicago for the past seven generations. I'd heard it described as, "Nail polish remover mixed with Robotussin, because nail polish remover isn't thick enough." Needless to say, I was intrigued... And once I found out that The Motel Bar, in downtown Chicago, offers shots of Malort for twenty-five cents, I decided that it was time to try out this sinister beverage for myself. By the way, Miller High Life bottles are two dollars at the Motel Bar, so, five dollars gets you two beers and four shots... Or, umm, one beer and twelve shots. Which one do I recommend? Both.
Sitting at the bar, a lone shot glass resting in front of me,I knew it was time for me to meet my destiny, and with that thought, I did my generic courage building ritual, said goodbye to my loved ones, and consumed the mythically evil shot. To be honest, when Malort first hit my tongue, I was both shocked and surprised. I mean, I went in expecting the worst; this shit is not only legendary, but only costs a quarter--not exactly a recipe for a quality beverage... But when all was said and done, I actually kind of liked it. The obvious question aroused by my findings is whether or not Malort is, in fact, "good" or if I just, in fact, have a "drinking problem."
We'll leave that answer up to you... But, as a testimonial towards how evil this breed of booze actually is, this is the only picture of it Google could find.
So, in colclusion, I look forward to this New Years' Eve, where you will all be introduced to my latest creation: The Malort and PBR Bomb. A hoppish concoction that could quite possibily leave you paralyzed with bitter-beer face for the next fifteen years of your life.
Salute!
Also, go buy the Swan Lake album, Beast Moans, and listen to nothing but it for an entire week. I did, and I feel I'm a better man because of it.
Also, also, I heart you all!
posted by Tyler at 8:31 PM
4 Comments:
How do you say the name? Is it Mal-ort like Kyle Orton, or is it like a weird foreign pronunciation like Colbert, as in Stephen Colbert of the Colbert Report.
I don't care how you say it, I think I am afraid of it.
Reason #273 to get black out drunk: Tyler brings Malort to Vegas.
1st off... the pronunciation is mall-ort...like orton. 2nd...i decided to google Malort...out of bordom, and your blog was one of the very few links that came up, so i read. I loved your response to malort.
3rdly. malort and pbr bomb is nothing... my friends introduced me to a malasco: malort and tobasco.
good luck.
Malasco sounds amazing!! I've been drinking shots of Malort religiously for the past three or four years, and I can't even bring myself to (potentially) spoil it by drinking it on the rocks. I'm sure that the flavor combination between the bitterness of the liquor and the sour-spiciness of the Tabasco would be too delicious to reasonably expect the survival of any sort of palate, but I'm willing to give it a try. There was a point in time where my MySpace page was the number two hit for Malort on google, but I believe Malort's reputation has surpassed the power of the one comment on my page that mentioned it. Regardless, I'm glad there are others out there preaching the good word. Malort for life!
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