Good Job, Bro...

Recently, I have gotten more than a couple of complaints from my friends about my blogs. It seems that my writing is “too smart” or “uses too many big words” or “takes too many cheap shots.” Well, I’m not going to stop ripping on people, no matter how out of line it may seem, but the other two complaints really got to me. Now, I’ll be the first to admit that quoting Paradise Lost was a little much, but come on... am I really using a certain vocabulary or lingo that we can’t all get down with? We’re all college educated people here (for the most part), come on!

I just want you to know; I actually thought about dumbing down Ruckus Maximus so that more of my friends might give it a once over. [See, I even just resisted the urge to say, “Peruse” right there.] But, after much meditation–-and by meditation, I of course mean inebriation–-I realized, “Fuck dumb people...” I’m not going to lower myself to their level, where’s the fun in that? However, what I am going to do is try out a new vocabulary lesson plan for you guys.

Over the course of the following passage, I have selected certain “big words” to be the proverbial words of the week. All of the underlined words are actually hyperlinks to dictionary dot com. If that particular word boggles your precious little mind, feel free to click on it, and you will be provided with a complete and thorough definition. I hope that this, coupled with the fact that I have massively shortened this blog, will spark both reader interest and intellect.

So, without further adieu, I present a tale of my trip to Zia Record Exchange and the first of two blogs about homelessness.

* * *

Today was Tuesday, and for those of you who don’t know, Tuesday is a very magical day for me. It’s one of my semi-regular days off, and thus I have developed a certain sort of ritual revolving around it. I like to wake up, take a shower to wash off the previous night’s drinking binge, nerd it up on The Space, play the guitar for a couple of hours, and then head off to Zia to pick up some new records. Now, here are two facts that most of my friends know, but some of you out there may not:

• 1) New CD’s are released on Tuesdays, which is what sparked this tradition.
• and
• 2) Zia Record Exchange is the single greatest place of musical commerce since the dawn of time.

Seriously, you may remember a couple of years ago when I praised Big-B’s Records up and down, proclaiming how spectacular of a place it was. Well, I have seen the light, my brothers... and the light is Zia Record Exchange. If you live in Vegas, do yourself a favor and shop there, I cannot possibly recommend it any more; enough said. If Jesus had to shop for records, instead of just snapping his fingers, and having any song he wants instantly download into his heavenly-white I-Pod, he would shop at Zia.

Anyways, this Tuesday in particular, I was extra-specially excited to be heading down to my local record store. The Racontuers’ new album was released today, and as you may or may not know, I am a big fan of everyone involved in this project... So, you might imagine how giddy I was to have one of the last three copies in my grubby little hands.

For the record, let me state that it’s actually a good album, and totally met up to its expectations and hype–at least in my eyes. I also picked up the new Figurines’ CD today, which is pretty sexy too. I’d recommend them both to a friend. Anyways, this site is far from a record review blog, so let me move it along...

I walked up to the checkout counter, and seeing as how I come in here at about the same time every week, me and the Tuesday afternoon cashier have somewhat of a casual report going on. She’s a tiny gothic girl with a tattoo on her arm that says, “Bad Girl, Turned Worse.” She wears tons of pins around her Zia lanyard, but I think they may make her wear them, because they sport bands like The Rolling Stones and Wolfmother, and*I* would assume, at least based on appearance, that she’s really, really into Joy Division and The Cure, but who knows? If she didn’t wring me up every week, and get a hands-on look at the music I purchase, she’d probably think I was really, really into like, Hawthorne Heights or something.

Anyways, as she’s scanning my goods she says, in somewhat of a whisper, “See those guys? Those are the Bum Fights guys.” I look over at them, confirming her statement, and say, “Yeah, that’s cool, “ but then after I think about it for a couple of seconds I decide to add, “But not really.” She laughed and added, “Yeah, I hate them, because they were all rich kids in highschool, and now they have even more money from making fun of poor people.” At about this moment the Indecline (Bum Fights) crew decide to exit Zia, without making a purchase I must add... What happened guys--they all out of Bon Jovi's Slippery When Wet? Or did Pennywise just not release The Bro Hymn as a single yet?

Back to the point, as they walk past us, I point at them and say, “Hey, Bum Fights, right? Good Job... bros.” They didn’t get it, because they just said thanks and left, but me and the cashier had a laugh over it. On a side note, I’d just like to say that she rocks for knowing what “bros” are, and also for giving me the “May Moustache” discount just because I forgot to shave today.

So, after laughing about the Indecline Bro-Co, I walk outside, giddy to pop the new Rancontuers’ CD into my car and give it a good listen, when what do I see? I see those bum-fighting-douchebags piling into their car. And do you know what they drive? After having rich parents, and then amplifying their wealth by picking on downtrodden derelicts, they got into a... ready for it? Nineteen Eighty-Seven Mercury Cougar, and drove off. Now, I’m not really into flaunting money, or driving a “pimped-out ride,” but seriously guys? Is that what you’re driving around Vegas? I would think it was a loner, naught for the twenty-four inch Volcom sticker on the back window.

I hope they’re not just being frugal with their money. I heard a crazy rumor that they got sued by the city, and had to pay a fairly hefty sum to the local homeless relief fund as restitution, maybe that’s actually true? I at least hope so... Wouldn’t that be an ironic punishment; making a million dollars off of Bum Fights and then having to pay two million dollars in restitution; thus being forced into driving a car that is actually less cool than the type of car certain homeless people live in. Yeah, “Good job, Bros...”

In conclusion, on the drive home, I saw a homeless dude on the corner of Tropicana and Eastern with a sign that said, “Homeless and Hungry, Please Help...” I was actually going to give him a dollar or something, but then I thought that maybe the Indecline guys needed it more.

Burn.

* * *

On a final appendixal note, I realize that I just spent a little bit of time ripping on bro’s there, without offering any exposition of what a bro is. A lot of people may already be familiar with bros, as they have ruined all of our favorite places, but for my readers who are still bro-blind, here’s a diagram I made of a typical bro:



PS: Speaking of Homeless People, and Bum Fights, and stuff... my next blog entry is going to be a hilarious tale of one of our own friends and colleagues turning homeless... make sure to check it out.