The Devil's Rejects

“...what time his pride
Had cast him out from Heaven, with all his host
Of rebel Angels, by whose aid, aspiring
To set himself in glory above his peers,
He trusted to have equalled the Most High,
If he opposed, and with ambitious aim
Against the throne and monarchy of God,
Raised impious war in Heaven and battle proud,
With vain attempt. Him the Almighty Power
Hurled headlong flaming from th' ethereal sky,
With hideous ruin and combustion, down
To bottomless perdition, there to dwell
In adamantine chains and penal fire...”
- Paradise Lost

And so God cast Satan out of heaven; never again would the Morning Star gaze upon the kingdom so perfect and serene. However, Satan would not be content at wallowing in Hell as a paraplegic, no, his foul rebellion would echo millennia into the future and troughs of faithful would willingly follow him. What would we come to know these fiends as? This horde of afficionados, devoted to the fallen one so sinister... Would one consider them to be Demons? Yokai? Succubus? No, they would forever be referred to as, “Rock Stars.”

It is the 1970's, and rock and roll music dominates the day to day affairs of a lost generation. These rock stars–-nay, icons, with godlike guitar skills and larger than life political agendas--would dangle the proverbial pied pipe in front of the youthful masses; who in turn would gladly dance to any tune thread into their eager eardrums. This is the era of rock, this is the era of Satan, this is when selling your soul to the devil was fashionable. It was a time when any kid with a guitar and an idea could stamp his name in blood and find himself on stage, peaching to thousands of kids, getting his ideas and music heard.

Is it not ironic how the devil works, twisting the hopes and integrity of our deepest desires?

These rock stars had but one goal in their lives... to change the world with their music. They knew the world sucked, the government was a joke, and organizing the masses could orchestrate a change. They dreamed so hard of a better world that they would do anything to get their message out; even offer up their internal soul as a martyr. However, the very popularity they demanded to accomplish their goal would be their eventual downfall. Drugs, alcohol, and depression would claim all of the generation’s greatest icons, and thus the cold allure of the devil would prevail.

Flash forward to present times. Rock and roll is finally back a top the pedestal of popular music, and thus a familiar window has once again opened for Satan to snake his way back into the soul market. There is one basic, fundamental difference between the rock stars of present times and those of the past, however. In the seventies, Satan would offer kids the world: immense popularity and a chance to express their ideals to anyone willing to listen. These days, Satan’s contracts read a little bit differently. In this post-hardcore era, drugs, alcohol, and questionable women are not mere side-effects, manifested to bring about the rock star’s eventual demise. No sir, in fact, they are not side-effects at all, they are the prize... they are what the devil offers up upon a silver platter in exchange for your soul. This arouses the obvious question, what then is the catch?

The catch my friends, is a total lack of musical integrity. It seems that the prince of darkness’ deal has flipped a complete one-eighty. Instead of achieving musical greatness only to be destroyed by money, girls, and fame, you achieve money, girls, and fame only to have your musical greatness destroyed.

Is it not ironic how the devil works, twisting the hopes and integrity of our deepest desires?

Now Satan has been known to take many different forms throughout biblical history. But these days, he no longer masquerades as a great serpent, no... he takes the form of an entirely different breed of reptile: a major label record producer.

Every day, thousands of kids try to strike up a deal with record companies... and the ones that “make it” are the ones who are prepared to sacrifice their musical integrity, their very souls, at the mere chance of making it big. Clearly, Satan’s black market stranglehold over our youths’ souls has not dwindled over the past couple decades. As the old proverb says, “The more things change, the more they stay the same.”

I realize this claim, as heavily rooted in theology as it is, may seem unfounded by “fact.” However, that could not be further from the truth. A friend of mine who works at Victory Records leaked me a copy of a document they send to all bands that sign an intent with them. A document I will now share with your all.

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I. Introduction

Congratulations on your decision to join the Victory Records family! We here at Victory Records believe that doing business need not be a negative experience. We are here to guide you through your transition from local garage band into a finely polished professional act. By working together and following our guidance and the contents of this packet, your music can be gracing the airwaves in no time! The information in the packet is broken into segments of descending importance, and once all aspects of our program are addressed, you will be well on your way towards a professional career in music!

II. Image-N-It

The first thing we need to go over is your image. Every successful band since the dawn of produced music has had a successful look to match. First off, you should know that you already show promise. If the head shots you sent in to our office were not ripe with potential, we would not have written back requesting a demo, and you would not even be reading this packet right now, so the hardest part is over!

The first thing we should address is your hair style. Remember, you have to look the part... how can your audience relate to your music if they can’t relate to you? We recommend keeping your bangs long, definitely covering your eyes. As for the back of your hair, either spiking it or growing it out work for us... just remember to use AT LEAST two different colors of hair dye. We suggest a combination of blue black and either blonde or red, but feel free to be creative and try the new purple black instead of blue black. If you are a drummer or lead singer it is also acceptable to style your hair as a “faux-hawk,” but if you’re holding a guitar, let’s stick with the bangs.

Now that your hair is up to Victory Records standards it’s time to go over your style. Feel free to contact Denise in our wardrobe department if you have any questions on acceptable stage attire, although we feel the contents of this guide should provide sufficient directions to aid you in determining what we consider acceptable dress. The first rule is, NO COLOR. Keep your t-shirt black, and make sure you buy some of that Cheer Color Guard Black Detergent, as you will have to wash your t-shirts at least seventeen times until they are shrunk to an acceptable size. Speaking of acceptable sizes, please ensure that your jeans have a leg opening no bigger than eleven inches, remember: the tighter the better. As for accessories, black sweat bands are optional, but clip on key-chains attached to your belt loop are now mandatory. The second rule of style is that it is important to be unique, so feel free to choose either a studded belt or a white belt.

As for tattoos, it’s crucial that you get your sleeves done as soon as possible. If you’re having trouble figuring out what to have on your sleeves, just tell the tattoo artist to put whatever he wants in there. Once your tattoos are done, our staff can think of acceptable reasons for what each part of your sleeve represents. This way your tattoo will have meaning and your credibility will be increased. If you KNOW a tattoo artist, that’s even better, as having your sleeve done by “an old buddy of yours” even furthers your street cred.

Now that we’ve covered your image, strap on your Chuck Taylor’s and report to the studio to record your demo.

III. Recording

Now it’s time to record your demo. You do have at least six songs written already, right? If not, it’s cool, we have a couple songs on loan from other artists that your can cover for your demo... actually, this isn’t that important, just go on to the next section.

IV. Live Shows

By now, we’ve booked you a couple of opening spots on the Midwest leg of a Silverstein tour. If you follow these next steps, you will undoubtedly build a fan base and we will book you to an opening spot on the next Atreyu tour for their third CD, “Vampires, Eyeliner, and the Best of Bon Jovi.”

The number one thing to remember is ENERGY. The kids these days really respond to your stage energy, it's not what your say, but how you say it. We will now take the time to outline several stage moves you can do to win over the crowd. These moves should all be fairly easy to complete, you are tuned down to drop-D, right?

- The Power Squat: This move is performed while playing the guitar or bass. What you do is stand with your legs in as much of a split as you can manage in your tight jeans. This creates the image that you’re really focused and into your music.

-The Breakdown Swing: During breakdowns, what your should do is hit your guitar extra hard and swing it around in opposite directions as your body. This makes you look like you are really, really rocking out, and also makes the kids think you are hardcore dancing with them. This move is a must for bass players.

-The Roundhouse: This is where you jump in the air are do a roundhouse kick, a la Chuck Norris, while playing your guitar... it is especially devastating during breakdowns.

-Synchronized Guitars: During especially guitar heavy parts of the song, both guitar players and the bassist need to all stand next to eachother and move their guitars around in sync with one another. If you need pointers just watch a Warrant concert.

-Dancing: This is where you, the lead singer, need to be dancing in your own particular style to show that your are enjoying the music at least five times as much as the crowd. It is especially impactful if you wrap your microphone chord around your forearm and slap your microphone rhythmically while you sing into it. If you can't dance, don't worry about it... we'll just toss a guitar on you to make it look like you're doing something.

You may have noticed that we did not cover anything for the drummer to do during the live show. That is because you sit in the back of the band and are barely visible behind your drums. Aside from taking off your shirt, there’s really nothing more for you to do. In fact, if you have to goto the bathroom or something during the set, feel free to just turn on a drum machine and go relieve yourself in whichever bathroom is most convenient.

V. LP, Headlining, and Beyond

If you follow the steps of this guidebook to the letter, in no time we will be bringing you back into the Victory Studio to record a full-length release and to start booking a headlining tour. Just remember, keep your image up, check your Myspace account, and land at least eleven roundhouse kicks during every live performance. Once again, welcome to Victory Records, and we look forward to making awesome music with you!

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I don’t know about you all, but knowing that documents like this exist really pisses me off. Fuck bands that adhere to record company standards, fuck their shitty music, and fuck you for buying their CD’s.

I mean, damn it, kids these days can’t even sell their souls to the devil right...

Image by Dong Wang